27/04: Press conference
(Clears throat…)
(Taps mic…)
This thing on?
Excellent.
Ladies and gentlemen of the press, I have just released documentation attesting to the fact that my hair, while it is, yes, frequently, somewhat frightening—not to mention semi-sentient, and occasionally possessed of the power to detach itself, acting independently of the rest of my person as a vigilante crimefighter by night much as did William Shatner’s toupee on Robot Chicken—that notwithstanding all of these admittedly unsettling facts, my hair is a native citizen, born right here, and not in some scary ‘other’ country the average citizen of Alabama wouldn’t even visit as a sex tourist.
Why hasn’t Mr. Trump done the same? Certainly, he must be aware of the dark rumours that his hair is neither from this nation nor this planet, and in fact has terrifying and dark appetites that can be satiated only by feeding it the flesh of virgins. Certainly, he must have heard the unnerving suggestions adrift on the internet that his hair is wanted on several separate warrants across much of the developed world. Certainly, he must have heard that there are breakaway sects of a certain white power movement somewhere in Utah who believe his hair is a herald bearer for the antichrist, foretold in certain ancient apocryphal texts…
Nay, I am not endorsing these rumours. Far from it. I am merely asking: why has he yet to address these perfectly legitimate insinuations of responsible, concerned citizens squarely? What has he got to hide? There are important issues, America, that we should be addressing, and the subject of Donald Trump’s technically possibly alien hair is a dangerous distraction for us at this juncture. America needs leadership, and this kind of stonewalling simply isn’t leadership.
(/Oh, also: watch my show. It’s way better than Trump’s. My catchphrase is: ‘You’re deported!’ Thank you, and good night.)
(/Original here.)
(Taps mic…)
This thing on?
Excellent.
Ladies and gentlemen of the press, I have just released documentation attesting to the fact that my hair, while it is, yes, frequently, somewhat frightening—not to mention semi-sentient, and occasionally possessed of the power to detach itself, acting independently of the rest of my person as a vigilante crimefighter by night much as did William Shatner’s toupee on Robot Chicken—that notwithstanding all of these admittedly unsettling facts, my hair is a native citizen, born right here, and not in some scary ‘other’ country the average citizen of Alabama wouldn’t even visit as a sex tourist.
Why hasn’t Mr. Trump done the same? Certainly, he must be aware of the dark rumours that his hair is neither from this nation nor this planet, and in fact has terrifying and dark appetites that can be satiated only by feeding it the flesh of virgins. Certainly, he must have heard the unnerving suggestions adrift on the internet that his hair is wanted on several separate warrants across much of the developed world. Certainly, he must have heard that there are breakaway sects of a certain white power movement somewhere in Utah who believe his hair is a herald bearer for the antichrist, foretold in certain ancient apocryphal texts…
Nay, I am not endorsing these rumours. Far from it. I am merely asking: why has he yet to address these perfectly legitimate insinuations of responsible, concerned citizens squarely? What has he got to hide? There are important issues, America, that we should be addressing, and the subject of Donald Trump’s technically possibly alien hair is a dangerous distraction for us at this juncture. America needs leadership, and this kind of stonewalling simply isn’t leadership.
(/Oh, also: watch my show. It’s way better than Trump’s. My catchphrase is: ‘You’re deported!’ Thank you, and good night.)
(/Original here.)
